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Poetry
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24 February 2017
5.11pm
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Evangeline
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sir walter raleigh said
Perhaps writing some poems that take more risks with rhyme structure and vocabulary will help you take it to the next level. They may be really bad at first. That's ok.   

Is this what you mean by different rhyme structure @sir walter raleigh?

Dribbling,
Quibbling,
Rain falling down, dampening the ground,
Striking the earth, creating quiet sound,
Stumbling,
Tumbling,
Racing back home, trying to find cover,
Reaching the door, as if a new-found lover,
Humming,
Strumming,
Wasting the time, as the rain, yet to abate,
Playing an imaginary tune, yet to create.


(Note: this is my first attempt at a different line architecture)

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24 February 2017
6.18pm
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Ron Nasty
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An interesting piece, @Evangeline.

I see a change or two I would make, but overall a very nice piece of work.

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24 February 2017
6.33pm
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Evangeline
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What would you change? Why is it interesting?
I'm trying to improve myself as much as I can, so I need all the criticism I can get.

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24 February 2017
7.01pm
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Ron Nasty
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I don't know how far back you've read this fred, but it does contain a pome or two of mine that might guide you to how much attention to my ramblings, @Evangeline.

You create an interesting rhyme structure and rhythm, but in my opinion you lose the rhythm in the second to last line by inserting the extra comma. With the loss of one word, along with the second comma, it matches it's mirroring lines...

"Wasting time, the rain yet to abate..."

However, my main niggle would be ending on "create". It leaves me wondering where the rest is, create what? I'm sure there's a rhyme that offers the full stop I feel it needs, rather than the question-mark you have gone with.

I can only look at it as I would approach it though, and I am often wrong.

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24 February 2017
7.13pm
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Evangeline
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So if I ended the two lines with "-ed" and then added "that's" to both lines...
For example:
'Wasting time watching rain that's yet to be abated,'
'Playing an imaginary tune that's yet to be created.'

...Would that partially fix the problem? Or should I add another verse to complete the thought.

I am you as you are you as you are you and you are all together. 

24 February 2017
8.35pm
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Ron Nasty
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I would go more opaque myself?

A question-mark is fine to end on if it is the right one. To give an ambiguous ending, I would look for something like,

"Wasting time, the rain yet to abate
Hear that/An unfinished tune? Is it too late?"

or maybe

"Is that our fate?"

The end needs to be a bang, in my opinion, if that's worth anything and of any use.

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24 February 2017
9.05pm
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sir walter raleigh
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That was a cool read @Evangeline. A cool change of pace from your last poem, and it was successful. I'd like to see more as you write. 

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24 February 2017
9.06pm
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Evangeline
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Thanks for your advice @Ron Nasty. apple01
Thank you for the praise, @sir walter raleigh. ahdn_george_08

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20 April 2018
2.42pm
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Beatlebug
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I haven't written any poetry in forever, but I just wrote some things in honour of National Poetry Month:

1
Immerse (take a guess as to what this one's about)
Shrink, world
Down to a fluid grid
Lose the outside, find the inside
Forget the noise in a whirlwind of sound

Rise, love
Out through the fluid grid
Lose yourself, find myself
Feel the ecstasy award the pain

2
Work in progress (that's actually the title)
Out of the thinness of inner space
Studded through with nebulae,
Half-buried
Gently creeping
Cast about for them

Reach down into the depths and find them
Not whole, not pebbles or pearls
Elusive wisps
Grasp them
Feel them
Slip through your fingers even as you mould them
Coax them into the light of day
@

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20 April 2018
4.59pm
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TheWalrusWasBrian
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Beatlebug said
I haven't written any poetry in forever, but I just wrote some things in honour of National Poetry Month:

1
Immerse (my fellow musicians: take a guess as to what this one's about)
Shrink, world
Down to a fluid grid
Lose the outside, find the inside
Forget the noise in a whirlwind of sound

Rise, love
Out through the fluid grid
Lose yourself, find myself
Feel the ecstasy award the pain

2
Work in progress (that's actually the title)
Out of the thinness of inner space
Studded through with nebulae,
Half-buried
Gently creeping
Cast about for them

Reach down into the depths and find them
Not whole, not pebbles or pearls
Elusive wisps
Grasp them
Feel them
Slip through your fingers even as you mould them
Coax them into the light of day
@

That's amazing, @Beatlebug ! I love it! I totally feel the guitar in my hands, you describe it perfectly. I just started writing little poem-y things, I might post one. a-hard-days-night-george-10

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Beatlebug

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20 April 2018
5.22pm
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Beatlebug
Find me where ye echo lays
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@TheWalrusWasBrian said

That's amazing, @Beatlebug ! I love it! I totally feel the guitar in my hands, you describe it perfectly. I just started writing little poem-y things, I might post one. a-hard-days-night-george-10  

Thanks Walrian! a-hard-days-night-george-10 Please do, I would love to read. john-lennon-salute_gif

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20 April 2018
5.26pm
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TheWalrusWasBrian
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*Evil laughter* My nickname has come into effect. 

Okie, I definitely will! Here ya go, friends: (warning: it's a bit depressing!)

A Poem By Moi

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"Oh, my goodness, this has gone very badly!"

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20 April 2018
5.56pm
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Beatlebug
Find me where ye echo lays
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I like it @TheWalrusWasBrian, very miserable and I love the abruptness of the ending. heart

(Though of course I have to wonder about the inspiration. But I won't ask. ahdn_george_06)

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20 April 2018
5.58pm
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TheWalrusWasBrian
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Beatlebug said
I like it @TheWalrusWasBrian, very miserable and I love the abruptness of the ending. heart

(Though of course I have to wonder about the inspiration. But I won't ask. ahdn_george_06)  

Awww, thanks! You guys are so supportive in my writings. I'm glad the miserable tone got through. ahdn_john_08_gif

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20 April 2018
6.31pm
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Beatlebug
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I'm on a role today! Here's an ode to Spring.

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20 April 2018
7.05pm
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TheWalrusWasBrian
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You do imagery really well! Now I feel very spring-y! 

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20 April 2018
7.16pm
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TheWalrusWasBrian
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And I counter your attack with an Ode to Fall john-lennon-salute_gif 

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20 April 2018
9.41pm
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Beatlebug
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Mmmmm, very sweet @TheWalrusWasBrian, and quite similar to my own appreciation of the season. I ADORE autumn -- just not when it's springtime. When October rolls around, however...

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22 April 2018
9.03pm
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Pineapple Records
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Speaking of seasonal poetry, I've read that the Japanese poem form the Haiku has as one of its rules that some mention be made of a season -- which is hard to do when you only have a limited number of syllables to do it!

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a coffee dessert, yes you know it's good news...

29 April 2018
9.58pm
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WeepingAtlasCedars
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Pineapple Records said
Speaking of seasonal poetry, I've read that the Japanese poem form the Haiku has as one of its rules that some mention be made of a season -- which is hard to do when you only have a limited number of syllables to do it!  

Challenge accepted.a-hard-days-night-john-3

Our Silent Repetition

Winter lapsed; left lorn

Though no man is an island

The last candle dies.

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