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Songwriters Discussion Room--to share thoughts, projects, etc.
20 April 2018
10.38am
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SgtPeppersBulldog
Swinging London
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Holey said

Well, you guys doubted the Cm chord. Tell me what you see think: 

And thanks swr for that great final chord!

 

Nice! Sounds kinda like it could be a Rutles song to me! paul-mccartney-thumb_gif

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The Hole Got Fixed

"Some kind of happiness is measured out in miles... " 

 2017: 

 
20 April 2018
1.13pm
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Beatlebug
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^Indeed, but the sparse piano-and-drums arrangement reminds me of something else… not sure what, but I like it. Nice Free As A Bird name-check too!

Anyway, it’s very nice and dark and I like it… good job john-lennon-salute_gif

I’m trying (not very hard) to set Shakespeare’s Sonnet 141 to music for a sonnet reading I’m doing on Monday… a-hard-days-night-paul-7 I’m thinking something in the minor key, maybe a Greensleeves kind of thing.

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22 April 2018
2.03pm
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Beatlebug
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^^ I DID IT
I’m so proud o’ meself a-hard-days-night-john-1

I’ll do a good recording for y’all if you like, I only did a slightly crap demo so I wouldn’t forget it.

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22 April 2018
4.24pm
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The Hole Got Fixed
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Ooo yes, please do record it! It should be great @Beatlebug 

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14 February 2019
11.25pm
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The Hole Got Fixed
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I mentioned about a week ago that I was writing a song about a BBer – that BBer was @50yearslate and her synesthesia. So I wrote a song called Synesthesia. 

Normally I’d post my new song in a PM to those who expressed interest but I figured because it’s about a BBer I’d post it on the forum.

Tell Me What You See Think! Any feedback – positive/negative – welcome! 

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15 February 2019
7.06am
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SgtPeppersBulldog
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Holey, this has to be my favourite and the best song you’ve done so far! paul-mccartney-thumb_gifThe production skills are crazily good and there’s an evident Rubber Soul /Revolver era influence to it. a-hard-days-night-ringo-10 Can we expect more songs in this style? (even for our project?) ahdn_george_01

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15 February 2019
3.33pm
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The Hole Got Fixed
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Wow, thanks Peppdog! There was a definite RS/R influence, yeah… I can definitely try to do another song like it, sure. (even for our project, sure!)apple01

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15 February 2019
4.12pm
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Beatlebug
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Have I mentioned before that you remind me of Syd Barrett? I’ll say it again — that one was especially Barrett-ish, particularly reminiscent of ‘Dominoes‘.

I’ve heard rumours that Syd had synesthesia, so it’s rather fitting.

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15 February 2019
5.38pm
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Wow I can really see the similarity between Dominoes and my song! Even the reverse guitar… 

I can see the similarity between our voices too – the next song I do will have to be a really loud, screamy, Lennon-esque vocal then – just to be contrary.a-hard-days-night-paul-11

apple01

Apparently he did experience Synesthesia @Beatlebug  – according to his brother’s obituary: http://www.sydbarrett.net/subpages/articles/ordiinary_brother.htm

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26 February 2023
8.17pm
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Neely
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A/N: There’s no story to this I’ve realized. It simply comes across as my commentary of other people and the world. I don’t feel it goes anywhere on it’s own. With the music, the words sound much better. I like Verse I and Chorus I, the rest is garbage. 
 
—-
 
Verse I: 
Everybody’s been thinkin’
Everybody’s been thinkin’ of the past
Everybody’s still needin’
Everybody’s still needin’ love that lasts
 
Chorus I:
All this time I’ve been waitin’
to see through another’s eyes
All along I’ve been wastin’
my precious time
 
Verse II:
Everybody’s still bein’
Everybody’s still bein’ a fool
Everybody’s still singin’
Everybody’s still singin’ that tune
 
Chorus II: 
All this time I’ve been lookin’
in all the wrong places
All this time I’ve been sayin’
that we could all come together
 
 
 
 
 
 

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26 February 2023
10.49pm
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Beatlebug
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Neely said

A/N: There’s no story to this I’ve realized. It simply comes across as my commentary of other people and the world. I don’t feel it goes anywhere on it’s own. With the music, the words sound much better. I like Verse I and Chorus I, the rest is garbage. 

Verse I:
Everybody’s been thinkin’
Everybody’s been thinkin’ of the past
Everybody’s still needin’
Everybody’s still needin’ love that lasts

Chorus I:
All this time I’ve been waitin’
to see through another’s eyes
All along I’ve been wastin’
my precious time

Chorus I:
All this time I’ve been waitin’
All along I’ve been wastin’
my precious time

Verse II:
Everybody’s still bein’
Everybody’s still bein’ a fool
Everybody’s still singin’
Everybody’s still singin’ that tune

Chorus II: 
All this time I’ve been lookin’
in all the wrong places
All this time I’ve been sayin’
that we could all come together  

Perhaps it’s because I’m a songwriter, but reading your lyrics, I could get a sense of how they’re supposed to feel with music. So I can imagine it enough for it to work, if that makes sense.

If you don’t mind my lending some constructive critique/advice/observations/suggestions (since you didn’t seem to satisfied with it as is): I think you’ve got a good start, especially if you treat your current verse/chorus structure as a verse part 1 and part 2, and then if you can add a bridge section that breaks out of the structure you’ve got before returning to the first verse or something, that would make a very respectable song. As far as the specific lyrical matter, I like Verse II, although it doesn’t rhyme as well as Verse I – but this may not be a problem when it’s played with music, it’s more obvious when written. Chorus II is more mixed, with the first half being quite good and the second half I don’t like as much – although I appreciate the Beatles reference, I don’t really like that line and don’t think it feels like a good follow-up to the first part.

I hope my suggestions aren’t out of line or anything! 🙂 I really like it and think it has potential, and I can never resist the chance to do some critiquing that may “take a good song and make it better” a-hard-days-night-paul-7

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26 February 2023
11.10pm
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Neely
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Beatlebug said
If you don’t mind my lending some constructive critique/advice/observations/suggestions (since you didn’t seem to satisfied with it as is): I think you’ve got a good start, especially if you treat your current verse/chorus structure as a verse part 1 and part 2, and then if you can add a bridge section that breaks out of the structure you’ve got before returning to the first verse or something, that would make a very respectable song. As far as the specific lyrical matter, I like Verse II, although it doesn’t rhyme as well as Verse I – but this may not be a problem when it’s played with music, it’s more obvious when written. Chorus II is more mixed, with the first half being quite good and the second half I don’t like as much – although I appreciate the Beatles reference, I don’t really like that line and don’t think it feels like a good follow-up to the first part.

 

I agree, it needs a bridge…. 

But also, the last line was never supposed to be a beatles reference… that part just kind of happened.

Thank you for the advice. That is why I am posting all of this.

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26 February 2023
11.12pm
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Neely
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A/N: I wrote this today after contemplating my career choices for the millionth time even though I know what I am going to do with my life. It has no music yet. I like it, then it sucks toward the end… like most of my music. It’s quite the angry song because I was a little angry when I wrote it. Peace and love.
 
I’ll find you another day
when I don’t need you anymore.
I’m all alone now.
 
Words can change another’s mind
I though you figured that out
a long time ago.
 
Now I am stuck here,
not sure what to do.
I’ll never get there
if I stay close to you.
 
When I don’t understand,
I’ve always turned to you and you turn me down
time and time again.
 
They say “love is the answer,”
but what happens when that love fades away?
You’re left with nothing but hate.
 
Look out my window
just to see the sky.
“No need to cry
it’s all going to be alright”
 
Life goes on around me as I just sit here
not sure what to do with mine.
I am lost once again.
 
My life’s in front of me
and I don’t know what to do with it .
I’m terrified and afraid.

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26 February 2023
11.40pm
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Sea Belt
Shea Stadium
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This might be my only post, or it might be the first of hundreds, or somewhere in between. We’ll see.

I pick one of my songs to think about for days, imagining how it would sound if I had a fancy studio and other musicians to flesh it out — often not even playing it & singing it, just running it through my mind. 

Currently it’s my song “Maryland Marching Band”.  One part of lyrics near the end of the song sounds insipidly Norman Rockwellian, but instead of intending & doing it sarcastically or ironically, I mean it sincerely and sing it so.  To do otherwise seems to me to indulge a tired cliche that’s been worn to the bone over decades since the 60s at least. Why not flip the script and do the opposite? (Even so, I don’t mind if the listener harbors a shadow of cynicism as they listen.)

A crayon colored scene

yellow, green and blue

Mommy and Daddy and me,

it says “I love you!”

We’re a family, a happy family,

on a suburban avenue,

we’re having the time of our life,

just being American…

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

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Now today I find, you have changed your mind

26 February 2023
11.45pm
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Sea Belt said

A crayon colored scene

yellow, green and blue

Mommy and Daddy and me,

it says “I love you!”

We’re a family, a happy family,

on a suburban avenue,

we’re having the time of our life,

just being American…

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I am not the person to give advice, but I like the imagery that you used. It’s kind of hard to tell you what I think because there’s no music. Well done though.

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27 February 2023
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Sea Belt said

I pick one of my songs to think about for days, imagining how it would sound if I had a fancy studio and other musicians to flesh it out — often not even playing it & singing it, just running it through my mind. 

  

One thing I do when running one of my songs through my head is imagining how the drums would sound and what they would do.  The above-mentioned song “Maryland Marching Band” would have a slow tempo in 4/4 like the Gordon Lightfoot song “The House You Live In”, whose drummer was the talented Jim Gordon (who by a bizarre tragedy murdered his mother and was institutionalized).  The drums for my song would be similar, though there would be lots of riffs and fills I make up in my head, given the general framework.

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Now today I find, you have changed your mind

27 February 2023
1.46am
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Beatlebug
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I hate to rain on your parade here, as a fellow songwriter, but I just remembered that, per the gospel according to Joe, this sub-forum is designated for Beatles-related shilling only. I do encourage you to continue sharing your songwriting efforts in the appropriate thread, though – I’d love to read more! —> https://www.beatlesbible.com/f…..jects-etc/

Mod note: the preceding three posts and the reply immediately below were originally made in their own thread in the Pimp Your Stuff sub-forum before I posted this redirection and moved all posts to this thread.

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27 February 2023
2.49am
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Sea Belt
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woops! thanks @Beatlebug

Now today I find, you have changed your mind

27 February 2023
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Per @Beatlebug’s request I will now post lyrics here to earn feedback. I am aware I am copy and pasting this from a different thread. Pretend I didn’t post the other stuff.paul-mccartney-facepalm_gif

A/N: I wrote this today after contemplating my career choices for the millionth time even though I know what I am going to do with my life. It has no music yet. I like it, then it sucks toward the end… like most of my music. It’s quite the angry song because I was a little angry when I wrote it. Peace and love.heart
 
I’ll find you another day
when I don’t need you anymore.
I’m all alone now.
 
Words can change another’s mind
I though you figured that out
a long time ago.
 
Now I am stuck here,
not sure what to do.
I’ll never get there
if I stay close to you.
 
When I don’t understand,
I’ve always turned to you and you turn me down
time and time again.
 
They say “love is the answer,”
but what happens when that love fades away?
You’re left with nothing but hate.
 
Look out my window
just to see the sky.
“No need to cry
it’s all going to be alright”
 
Life goes on around me as I just sit here
not sure what to do with mine.
I am lost once again.
 
My life’s in front of me
and I don’t know what to do with it .
I’m terrified and afraid.
 

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27 February 2023
3.41am
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Beatlebug
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First of all I’ll have you know my request was made, not personally, but as a representative of the mod team a-hard-days-night-paul-5a-hard-days-night-george-10

That’s a really good lyric though! Only the last two verses are a little weaker. The penultimate one has potential (the second line is the only clunker), while the last one I think just needs a slight rewrite to make it scan a little better? Of course, I’m judging without music, which is really hard, but just from reading it, the music of “I don’t know what to do with it” sort of ends on a discordant note – I would personally just stop at “I don’t know what to do”. (Just for an example.) But that’s just my 2 cents worth, it is your feelings and your words. But good endings are important, and also hard, because you’re usually tired by the time you get to the end of a project a-hard-days-night-paul-10 but I think it’s worth fixing up. apple01apple02george-martin

EDIT: Also, I feel like I should just post here, to back up my songwriting critiques with some credentials – here is a playlist of my original compositions, so you can see I have done my best to put my money where my mouth is. a-hard-days-night-paul-8

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