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In My Life - what's happening in your life currently?
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10 April 2014
I am here, you are here, we are here and we are all together
Apple rooftop
Forum Posts: 9715
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1 November 2013
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Today is the day I shall Reveal my secret identity!! a-hard-days-night-ringo-671-TNQ9G7tL._SL1500_.jpgImage Enlarger

The following people thank Annadog40 for this post:

IveJustSeenAFaceo, Necko, TheOneBeatleManiac, Mr. Kite, likedreamersdo16, Bulldog, thisbirdhasflown, Silly Girl, The Faul On The Hill, natureaker

Never say never cause it's never 'never'

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10 April 2014
Alone in the clouds all blue...
Forum Posts: 829
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2 April 2014
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Right, OK, I shall share my story. I didn't really want anything to get too personal, so @ScrambledEggs has PM'd me just to talk, which is one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me - and I've only just joined. :)

So anyway, here it is. It's long.


To another, Elizabeth would seem like any other girl; talkative, funny, with that slight hint of eccentricity (or as she'd call it, weirdness), but to me she seemed more. Still does.

We got on the same coach to school, working like any other - picks you up early in the morning, drives on for a few stops, takes you to school, repeats in the afternoon, but backwards. When it all began a year prior to this, we didn't often speak, although she came to talk to me once. I can't remember for the life of me what about, but that seems to be the stem of it all. Over the year following, we didn't talk much, and I didn't think much of her. As time went by, something slowly blossomed - at the least on my side - and I fell in love about a year ago. Of course, she didn't know by then; with every other person I'd had a crush on, I hadn't told anyone and was left pining over them.

So things went on. I've hated school all my life, but Elizabeth seemed to invigorate my reason to go, if only for the coach journeys. I'd do my best to try and talk to her, and I often shared sweets on the coach - of course, I'd offer her more than anyone else. She seemed to be the only reason I'd go in, but I enjoyed school more than ever, because for the first time In My Life, I felt like I had a chance. She's the first love I've ever been able to talk to. Naturally, I was awkward (I still am). But she just seemed so human - she didn't cake herself in make-up and she didn't bother being the centre of attention like a lot of girls I know. I loved her. I love her.

As time went by, not much happened until around June 2013. My cover was almost blown once, but fortunately nothing came out of it. As usual, I'd try and sit across from her on the coach, if just to be near and if just to talk - and one day, everything changed. I don't remember what brought it up, but I hinted to her, successfully, that I'd never had a girlfriend. She began naming a few of the girls on the coach, asking me if I'd go out with them - of course, most were just "meh". Until, of course, she got to herself, and I told her I would do if she asked me. She didn't, but she thought kindly of it.

As the next couple of months passed, Elizabeth now being aware, more or less the entire coach knew by this point. They'd say certain things and hint between the two of us to try and cause something, but to no avail. Every coach journey at this point was now a make-or-break decision on how my day would go by. Nothing happened between us? I'd be depressed all day. We managed to speak or something gave me some hope? I'd feel like I could do anything and everything, and for once, I felt alive. I felt like I fit in with someone, something; even if we weren't going out.

And so the final day of Year 8 dawned upon me, I felt pressured. I'd have an entire six weeks until I'd be able to see her again. Other coaches were broken down or full, so a few more people were on; however, that one event didn't have much of a bearing until much later on. By the end, there were only two people who wouldn't usually be on - a girl, and the guy who bullied me to leave my old school. Remember that for later. Anyway, I felt pressured; worried; nervous - my heart was pounding faster than it ever was (it's pounding now just reminiscing to the event). But finally, it happened.

I asked her out.

There was a silence. She didn't answer, only conversed to others about what to do. And finally, she said "I'll have a think about it". Crap. Six weeks of worrying.

I spoke to her on Facebook (it was nerve-wracking just friending her, let alone sending the first PM), and I told her about how awkward the last day was - and I managed to make it even more awkward. I had to go away on holiday for a week and so I didn't get the chance to message her until I got back. It was just a simple "hi", but I got no response.

I panicked and panicked for weeks until I got back to school. History seemed to repeat itself - just her determining my mood for the rest of the day. She didn't answer the question until I brought it up again, four entire months later. Once again, she said she'd "have a think about it". The next day, she'd decided what she was going to say.


She said she didn't want a boyfriend at this point in time. Ugh. I cried for a time I can't remember. I just felt flat for months and months. I constantly had panic attacks on the coach, nearly every single journey. I couldn't handle it, and the coach driver couldn't handle me constantly being like this. I went almost insane; crying, screaming, shouting because at this point, I didn't give a single crap about me or anyone else. They couldn't handle my disruption, so they made me move coaches, away from her. I had several counsellor appointments but they didn't help; they couldn't give me the hope. They couldn't change anything.

I was with her for two lessons: French and English. I physically couldn't bring myself to go into them. I tried, but I had panic attacks. I cried. Every time I tried to go in, I'd just smash a pen on the table because I couldn't cope with the anxiety, or I'd make other rash decisions because I couldn't do ANYTHING about it. About anyone. It got to the point that even seeing her in the corridor ruined my mood for the day. I was never happy, and I was never not anxious. And it's still like this.

Other things got in the way, too. By this point, the whole year knew about it all. I tried to talk to her in French about things, but it ended up with the entire class pressuring me to ask her out, and so I did. No again.

I cried on the kerb near the coaches, and she came out to talk to me. It made me happy. For the first time, the weight in my chest had gone. But it was soon over, although she said she'd talk to me at some point (which she didn't, unfortunately; she needs time to settle down and get used to it).

I've been met with people constantly making fun of me because of it. The idiot I mentioned earlier who caused me to leave my old school constantly tried to get a reaction out of me, because he thought it was funny seeing me have a "strop" - that's his main method of riling me up, talking about Elizabeth. And it's true, what he said did affect me. Even after the school talked to him and threatened to put him in isolation, he carried on. My dad spoke to his parents but he's made me out to be the one in the wrong for defending myself with words. His stupid little friends do it too. The 14-year-olds who smoke weed. Jesus. They've been talking about her behind me to get a reaction.

And now even who I thought were my friends are making fun of me behind my back because of it.

I've done everything I physically can to try; to hope; to do whatever. I've written music. Seven minutes long about the depression it's caused. I've done everything I can and I'm up to breaking point now. I can't go on like this because I still love her. I immediately feel rage when someone tells me to move on. I'm sick of people telling me to get over it or move on, even if it's said in a nice way.

I just want to be happy again for once In My Life, and Elizabeth is the only thing that can do that. I don't know what to do. People have told me to wait for her to talk to me, but I can't be sure if she will. I'm impatient. I don't like not knowing things. For the first time In My Life, I felt hope. But once again, it was crushed. I really don't know what to do. I've constantly been crying and since it's the school holidays it means I'm like this for another two weeks.

I know it shouldn't be affecting me, but the prospect of once again having my dreams broken scares me - not just for the future, but for now. I don't find myself incomplete; I feel like I was complete beforehand but a vital part has been taken away from me - happiness. It just kills me knowing that I have to move on. It removes the little purpose in life I had beforehand. I don't find myself unattractive.

It's just the one thing I want. All my life, people have succeeded with things. They've managed to get things done, but I haven't. I'm nobody. I'm only spoken about for all the wrong reasons. I just hate facing the truth and I'm constantly saying things and hinting things to people - her friends, other people she knows, etc. - to maybe change things and give me a chance. I've never gotten what I want in life and I've always thought of myself as a failure since I was young.

But as I was saying, I don't like to face the truth. I've experienced it now and I've learnt from it so I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and change things. I really can't cope with this. I've been sensitive all my life but this is just bringing me down so much; even the thought of her makes my eyes heavy and my chest numb. I just want a cry for help, and I just want to be with her. I ask for nothing more.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

I love you, Elizabeth. I just wish you loved me.

Mal's got a mop and another glass of orange juice!
~He pulled the mirrors off his Cadillac
'Cause he doesn't like it looking like he looks back~

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